Connection

Single mothers:

The pastel portrait linked to this post, is my paternal Grandmother. She looks slightly happy, but mostly sad and a little proud. I suspect she’s wearing new clothes that she’s proud of. She was a strong, intelligent woman - an independent career woman way before it was cool. There is a portrait of her by Sam Fullbrook hanging in the Queensland Gallery of Modern Art. The photo I used as a model for this is very old and frail. It must have been taken when she was in her early 30’s. She was born in about 1899, so it was probably just before the outbreak of World War Two. My father would have been a very young boy. She was a single mother.

Ernestine had fallen pregnant to her boss, a man some 20 years older than her. His name was not Hill. She took that name because back then, being known as an un-wed mother would have been catastrophic for her career, and that would have left her and her son hungry. There was no such thing as family social support. Perhaps it wasn’t that bad. He was sent to a boarding school quite early. Maybe the father paid for that. I heard rumour that Robert (who my father is named after) paid some money to make sure his illegitimate son was okay. That accountability abruptly ended when Robert’s legitimate son, much older, took over the family business. Frank was bitter and angry about a lot of things, not least his father’s affairs.

Neurodivergence?

My own mother would be upset to know I was spending so much time thinking about Ernestine. She would prefer I think about Jesus. My own mum suffered a lot as a single mother herself. Some of it because of dad. He needed enjoyed the support of his mother’s book royalties and although a gifted artist, didn’t have much left over for us kids. Jesus really helped mum stay sane, so I don’t begrudge her faith. With what I have learned from having an autistic child of my own, I’m absolutely certain that much of the chaos and heartache of earlier generations was due to neurodivergence that was unknown, misunderstood and unsupported.

Despite what we are learning from research into diverse neurotypes, many people still shun neuro-difference - whether out of ignorance, discomfort or being triggered by vulnerability. What a loss. Without the belonging, acceptance and respect that results in genuine inclusion and support, the world misses out on so many incredible potential contributions - music, stories, artwork, inventions, divergent solutions, innovative mathematics, science and psychology - that could all progress humanity. Given how we’ve historically treated people who ‘seem different’ - it’s a wonder we have made as much progress as we have.

Loneliness and connection

Back to Ernestine. This portrait is the first human portrait I’ve ever done. Some unkind critic (including the one in my head) will say “that’s apparent”. But I didn’t create it to make a masterpiece. I was secretly hoping that as I worked on it, ‘Grandma Ernie’ as we called her, might see me from some other dimension and come sit with me, speak with me. I’m lonely and scared. I feel more ‘allowed’ to admit that now, because a few billion other people are pretty scared too, and most are lonely in some way.

Well, Grandma Ernie didn’t really show up. But as I scribbled and smudged - and constantly, accidentally superimposed my own emotions over her expression, I realised…

She is in me, part of me. I’m a part of her story that lives on, just like my daughter will be. My daughter is a writer too, with Ernestine’s long fingers - and an un-navigable defiance. That may serve her well. It’s been a tough road and will probably get tougher. But the journey, the strains and the scars, the fears and the failures - the utter refusal to quit - is how we can all connect. Those of us who are not in positions of power have something more powerful. We know what we can do with almost nothing - we know what it is to rely utterly on ourselves and each other.

We can connect and encourage each other as the world heads into a new Dark Age. Our ancestors overcame astounding challenges to get our civilisation to where it is, and they live on in us. Building connection is our way forward - building a million, creative ways to connect!